The following is an excerpt from chapter one of Hidden Temptation.
Odette hobbles onto the bus going away from the subway station toward her home. Its times like this she wishes for a boyfriend. Someone she could call to pick her up and take her home, wait for her, drive her to work to avoid dealing with public transportation and not be late. It would make life so much easier. But boyfriends are more trouble than they’re worth.
She had a boyfriend once and that was almost twenty years ago. Thurman Cross, he was the star player on her high school varsity basketball team. All the girls wanted his attention but he was attracted to Odette. She wasn’t a cheerleader, she wasn’t popular, in fact the only friend she had was Hymie Davis, and she didn’t meet him until she started dating Thurman. Hymie had a tendency to be annoying and didn’t know how to police his tongue and would say whatever came to mind. He often laughed and made fun of people which caused him to be bullied.
On this particular day, back in high school Odette was sitting alone, as usual, in the school cafeteria when Hymie ran in and crawled under her table. Thurman and a few of the other basketball players came charging in after him. When Thurman saw Odette he made a pivotal stop in front of her. “A . . . er did you see that little punk come running in here?” he asked.
Odette was about to take a sip from the straw in her chocolate milk. She glanced down at Hymie, his dark brown puppy dog eyes were looking up at her. His lips were bent down in a frown and his hands were pressed together in front of his face as if he was praying. He was silently begging please, please, please. She took a sip of milk to keep from smiling, brushed her flaming red hair away from her face to reveal high cheek bones with soft lips that matched the color of her hair and light brown eyes that twinkled. She smiled and said. “No I didn’t see anyone run in here.”
Thurman bent all six feet, six inches down to become eye level with Odette. He had long thick eyelashes and soft curly hair. Odette noticed when he smiled his teeth were straight and white with small gaps in between. She was in awe.
What do you think?
Does it need more work?
How are the tenses? I tried to keep the present written with the present and the past with the past. How did I do?
I really value your opinion.